Parent Stress

September 17, 2004 — Men who apply author Richard Carlson?s dictum “don?t sweat the small stuff” to romantic relationships are risking broken engagements and bumpy marriages, because most women “sweat the small stuff” and expect their partners to do the same, says Toronto psychotherapist Dr. Bob Gottfried.

Director of Advanced Wellness Programs and a consultant with the Canadian Centre for Integrative Medicine, Gottfried recently launched an online “crash communication makeover course” to help men bridge gender-based gaps in cognition and communication. It is available, free of charge, by visiting www.deeperdimension.com.
The e-course is also designed to help men overcome identity crises caused by changing gender roles as described in his newly released book “Shortcut to Spirituality: Mastering the Art of Inner Peace.”

“Unlike men, women tend to be non-linear thinkers who seek a certain order in their lives, an order that may not make sense to husbands and boyfriends, but gives them a feeling of comfort and control,” says Gottfried. “If your wife wants the ketchup bottle on the first shelf of the refrigerator, don?t put it on the second shelf. You may think it makes no difference, but it does to her. From her perspective, ignoring the details indicates that you are insensitive to her feelings and don?t care about her needs.

The doctor?s prescription: follow the “4 A?s” of effective communication, and avoid a fifth “A”.

Attend. Pay attention to how your partner feels, and encourage her to discuss her emotions.

Acknowledge. Listen to what she is saying, and acknowledge what she is feeling.

Accept. Accept how she is feeling, without trying to change her mood or her mind.

Affirm. Tell her you support her. Ask if you can help, and follow her directions. If she says, “I?d rather deal with it myself,” accept and affirm her decision.

Advice. Avoid unsolicited advice, especially when given in the form of “should” - e.g., “You should tell your friend what you really think of her.” This is usually interpreted as criticism, judgment and arrogance.

Enhancing relationships, dealing with life?s challenges and other topics are highlighted in Gottfried?s book ?Shortcut to Spirituality?, which features practical advice and exercises based on psycho-emotional and spiritual practices.

For more information, visit www.deeperdimension.com.